To Know That I'm Alive...

"I've tried to be the queen, I've tried most everything, leads me to the same place...on my knees or on my face.  Nations fall when You speak, and You have spoken over me, and I am tired of giving in so easily.  The way you keep loving me, it's changing everything I see.  It's a great big mystery." -Bethany Dillon (Great Big Mystery)

     Lately, the pressures of motherhood, pregnancy, and school have really kept me from my first love. God.  I could still hear that still small voice, and I was still praying, but they were often very one sided prayers.  I wasn't waiting for a response back.  In my mind, I didn't have time.  I was too busy to just try and sit and listen for the voice of my love, my groom, my everything.  Afterall, life was calling my name too.  There are things to be done, homework, laundry, cleaning, baths, meals...the list could go on and on forever.
     Tonight, God really used my children's bed time to sit me down and really just speak to me.  I was reminded that mothering should come naturally, that I needed to be less forceful, less stressed, and show my children more love than they often deserve.  Why? Because God showed me that He will often just talk to me, not yell at me, not scold me for every little thing.  He also showed me that He is the most important part of my life, and that I need to rely on Him more, and less on myself.  Relying on myself is only going to result in a big heap of stress and anger, not to mention a huge mess. 
     As I talked with Him in prayer as my children slept, He loved on me, spoke life over me, blessings over me.  I could feel my fears releasing, and me giving them to Him to take care of.  I have been so worried about getting a bigger place, getting things the baby needs, wondering if Joe would be able to get a better job, whether we'll have the hours from his job in the mean time to make it, and all kinds of other things.  He reminded me that HE is the provider that we are relying on.  It really has nothing to do with the job that Joe works, or how many hours he works.  For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace about the future, whether everything is taken care of by the time the baby makes his arrival next month or not.
     After finishing up my praying time, I quietly spoke blessings and words of life over my children as they slept.  I have not done that in such a long time that it almost felt awkward, but as the words came, it became more and more natural feeling again.  I prayed for health over them, strength, peace, and more.  How important it is to speak blessings and life over our children instead of negativity about the things they have done.  I also repented for speaking out of my stress, instead of my love for them.  Lately, it seems that God has been bringing to my attention the fact that my children are miracles.  After they are born and begin to grow up, it can fade from memory just how precious they are, especially in the circumstances that my children have come to be.  When I was 18, I was told I would never be a mother.  My body simply would never be able to become pregnant...through years of praying, that has been changed, and now my body is healed as far as that is concerned.  It can be so easy to forget what it has taken to become a mother.  I am thankful for my blessings that He has given me, and for that reason, I want to raise them the way that He would find acceptable, and welcome any new additions that He would send to us as well.  I have no doubt that He will meet our needs to be able to do so.  I look forward to the day when He also gives us the ok to adopt so we can show more children the love that they deserved from the very beginning.

It's been a while since I wrote last.

     Wow, life was really a struggle the last time I posted.  Things have gotten easier, and harder all at once.  God has really done some things, and worked in ways that are simply astonishing to me.  When we were nearly out of food, we would always end up having some way of still being able to make it another day, whether it be a few dollars in the bank account, someone dropping off groceries, or just finding random things that I knew we had run out of...but yet, find them sitting in my cupboards. 
     I still don't really know what God's plan is for us, and where He is taking us in life...I don't think I ever will understand his plans.  That's part of having such a mysterious God for a father.  All I can do is know that He has put us here in this place, not to fail, but to really live, and love people.  In this season of life, it has been hard not feeling adequate, or really used.  I'm a stay at home mom, until I graduate with my bachelors in a little under 4 years.  After that, I will be a social worker, and available to help others.  For now, my mission field seems to be my kids.  I know that over the past, I really have not been the best to them that I could be, because of stress and life getting in the way.  I haven't been the Jesus that I so desperately want them to know.  I'm working on it though, and I can see improvement, not only with their attitudes, but my own as well.
     We're also in a stage in life where I think God has just set in us a desperate longing for Him.  We don't have a house church here, and we don't have friends that are within our age bracket to meet together with.  Joe's job has scheduled him in a way that going to our normal meetings with the body are nearly impossible, unless he forces himself through the lack of sleep.  It's made us have to bond with each other more, and really spend more time with God.  We've realized how impossible it is to really do things on our own, because, we can't.  I am thankful for the hours, and I am thankful for him giving us the funds to be able to keep our internet on in order to do school, but I so miss the rest of the body.
     I still wonder about how we're going to get a bigger vehicle, and rent a house on just Joe's income, but I still have to trust that God has this all under control.  He blessed us with another child for a reason.  Like I said earlier, I don't know His plans.  The only thing I can do is choose to walk in faith, and take the road of adventure that He has set out before us. 

Pregnancy

Well...we found out we're pregnant, for the 3rd time.  I'm worried, scared, and a lot of other emotions, but I just have to remember that God does things for a reason, and that He will take care of us.  This obviously just means he has bigger plans for us, and we just have to wait on Him to find out what they are...so, on to the cravings, and crazy dreams. Bring it on.

I Feel Like I'm Suffocating.

I really haven't been liking the slump I've been in recently...but it's how I feel.  I don't feel alive. Life has been so rough lately that I'm doing all I can to just breathe in, and breathe out.  I find myself angry at how things are going, and I try to see where God is at in it all.  I mean seriously, we haven't had money for food, and the state is taking forever to help us with food assistance.  To top it off, Judah is in desperate need of his shots and just basic healthcare, and that's taking forever too.
It also doesn't help that I feel like our cars wheel is just going to finally break, and cause a major accident.  I keep having anxiety thinking one of these days, I'm going to get a call saying Joe's been seriously injured and is at XYZ Hospital.  I've already had to deal with the phonecall from him almost being killed in a car accident before, and I can't go through that again.  I'm scared.  I feel helpless, knowing your car needs fixed but being able to do nothing about it.  I can't relax.
So...lately my life has been centered around pleading with God for help, checking the mail to see if we'll finally have foodstamps and healthcare...only to be disappointed by another day of high-calorie peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and ramen noodles. I want to provide for my children, and I feel like I'm breaking. I feel like a bad mom.  I just...
I really need God to answer me today.  I really can't make it one more day.

I haven't been feeling like myself.

Usually, I'm pretty upbeat. Recently though, it seems like not only did it literally rain and pour, but everything in life has been pouring.  Our car has a list of things that needs fixed. We're barely making enough to pay rent. We have bills coming in to suck up more money.  We still need to send in more stuff to get approved for help with food, so in the meantime, we have to pay for food out of pocket.  We had to pay to get our 2008 tax return, so I could file financial aid.  We still have to pay and get our plates switched on the car. We're still waiting for medicaid for the kids...so Judah is behind on shots.  I feel like I'm slamming my head into a wall, with no end in sight.  Spiritually, I am dry. I have literally cried and cried, and I feel like a failure because we can barely keep food on the table.  We're having to ask people for help to get some of the above things done.  I'm hoping we can keep the lights on, and somehow keep the net up too (which is now essential since we're doing school online)  The only time I feel somewhat better is when I'm drawing or playing guitar.  Judah is teething too, and we haven't gotten much sleep.  Josiah has been cranky as well, probably because he realizes how stressed I am.  I just want life to be nice again.  It doesn't help when you miss Toledo sooo bad some days.  Some days I've questioned whether we're supposed to be here, but I know we are...it just hurts sometimes.
I guess I'll just have to pray for more strength, but I am SO beat...and discouraged, and just.......irritated.  I feel like life just isn't making sense, and I wish I could see the big picture that's going on.  Why does it have to be so rainy and cold outside as all of this is going on too?! I at least need to see the sunshine. :(

College

I'm going to be staying at home but going to college through the University of Phoenix online.  I officially will be enrolled on Tuesday.  The more I prayed about it, the more I felt it was the right thing to do.  I decided to choose to go for Human Services Management, and when I'm done I can work as a social worker, or work with non-profit organizations.  My Pastor up here is actually the one who suggested that field for me, and even though I'm not great at face to face interactions, I believe that God is really going to strengthen me in that area.  Joe also will be enrolled on Tuesday, and he's going into the Pharmaceutical area.  I'm pretty happy about it, as it finally seems as though our lives are going to finally get back on track.  It'll be exciting having some extra cash from financial aid as well (and be able to save again...haven't been able to do that in a while)  Anyways, that's where we're at with it.  Hope all is well for everyone reading this!

So, I'm still really stuck on what to do.

I've been praying for so long still, and I don't have an answer, and I don't know what to do.  I could see the benefits of our kids being around other children in daycare...but would my kids still love me just as much not seeing me enough throughout a day?  Would it feel like someone else were raising them if I did put them in daycare?  Our bills are rolling in, and I just don't know how it's going to be possible to keep paying everything on just Joe's wages.  Why does life have to be so hard?