"I've tried to be the queen, I've tried most everything, leads me to the same place...on my knees or on my face. Nations fall when You speak, and You have spoken over me, and I am tired of giving in so easily. The way you keep loving me, it's changing everything I see. It's a great big mystery." -Bethany Dillon (Great Big Mystery)
Lately, the pressures of motherhood, pregnancy, and school have really kept me from my first love. God. I could still hear that still small voice, and I was still praying, but they were often very one sided prayers. I wasn't waiting for a response back. In my mind, I didn't have time. I was too busy to just try and sit and listen for the voice of my love, my groom, my everything. Afterall, life was calling my name too. There are things to be done, homework, laundry, cleaning, baths, meals...the list could go on and on forever.
Tonight, God really used my children's bed time to sit me down and really just speak to me. I was reminded that mothering should come naturally, that I needed to be less forceful, less stressed, and show my children more love than they often deserve. Why? Because God showed me that He will often just talk to me, not yell at me, not scold me for every little thing. He also showed me that He is the most important part of my life, and that I need to rely on Him more, and less on myself. Relying on myself is only going to result in a big heap of stress and anger, not to mention a huge mess.
As I talked with Him in prayer as my children slept, He loved on me, spoke life over me, blessings over me. I could feel my fears releasing, and me giving them to Him to take care of. I have been so worried about getting a bigger place, getting things the baby needs, wondering if Joe would be able to get a better job, whether we'll have the hours from his job in the mean time to make it, and all kinds of other things. He reminded me that HE is the provider that we are relying on. It really has nothing to do with the job that Joe works, or how many hours he works. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace about the future, whether everything is taken care of by the time the baby makes his arrival next month or not.
After finishing up my praying time, I quietly spoke blessings and words of life over my children as they slept. I have not done that in such a long time that it almost felt awkward, but as the words came, it became more and more natural feeling again. I prayed for health over them, strength, peace, and more. How important it is to speak blessings and life over our children instead of negativity about the things they have done. I also repented for speaking out of my stress, instead of my love for them. Lately, it seems that God has been bringing to my attention the fact that my children are miracles. After they are born and begin to grow up, it can fade from memory just how precious they are, especially in the circumstances that my children have come to be. When I was 18, I was told I would never be a mother. My body simply would never be able to become pregnant...through years of praying, that has been changed, and now my body is healed as far as that is concerned. It can be so easy to forget what it has taken to become a mother. I am thankful for my blessings that He has given me, and for that reason, I want to raise them the way that He would find acceptable, and welcome any new additions that He would send to us as well. I have no doubt that He will meet our needs to be able to do so. I look forward to the day when He also gives us the ok to adopt so we can show more children the love that they deserved from the very beginning.
